dredge up the past
shine that bright light on it and show me what I had forgotten about once more
yes, that is exactly what i fucking wanted
to see all those imperfections
remember those goddamn memories


NO


that part of me is dead
don't try to revive it
i don't want to be bothered
i don't want to remember

leave it be
let it lie

Tomorrow is uncertain but
Now is Now, and I'm happy here with you
You
and only you
and the past is dead and buried.

tell me again of what that fucker is doing with his life
after i've forgotten about his existance
give me the update that i honestly don't care about
remind me of that past that i don't want to remember
now that i've finally found my happiness in you
i remember the blackness
the lonliness
the slow spiral into insanity
and the loss of my goddamn identity
that was once the marker of my time with that bastard

Key Word: O N C E

the part of my life that i had successfully forgotten...

you are nothing, shithead.
you are no one, bastard.
you are my past and nothing more.

Nothing but the memory
Of my biggest mistake...
And my hard-learned lesson.

leave me the fuck alone, ghost -- stay away from my love.

Nothing can stop us now.

lucid dreaming of you
so precious, these dreams
time disrupts my slumber...
...wakefulness...
i remember my dreams of you
keeps me sane when my eyes are so dry
bloodshot
tired
red
dry



awaken

Souls sow Trust
Blood calls to Blood
Family demands Loyalty
Friends deserve Respect
Others get Nothing
And only One claims my Love

cute little twin-kittens of a Housecat
who are deluded into thinking they are larger than what they are
watched too much Escaflowne, believing they are Aria and Naria made flesh
when twin clones of Merle are closer to the truth

every time i look at you i think of the cats from Lady and the Tramp
and their annoying little song pops into my head...

you think you know me
you think you know all the secrets that i hold
you think you know what goes on in my head
you think you have me all figured out

what the hell would you know about
this rolling maelstrom of emotions
dancing along the river of logic
ah yes, and the hatred that is buried deep within
would scorch you before you would even know what hit you
and the love that i reserve for only one
is unfathomable to you
this loyalty to family
you could only dream of calling it your own

you are unclaimed
you are not blood
you are not a part of my Family
i have no tolerance for the two of you


small steps backwards little ones


you have no idea what goes on inside my mind

look
look at me with those eyes of yours
i could stare into them for days
and never get bored
they say the eyes are the windows to the soul
maybe there's some truth to that

look
look at me like you do when we're alone
i love it when your eyes say so much
when everything is silent but the sound of breathing
i can only hope that you see
yourself in my own murky brown eyes
and ignore the plain coloring of my own


i wish my eyes were as eloquent as yours...

manic depressive?
never thought of that
i wouldn't be surprised though

if i was

when winter comes
i will dream like i always do
the silent snows will fall
and you will still be blind
but i will be reborn in the ashes of ice
you will never see the world as i do
and i will wonder in my dreaming
if you're wasting your time trying to open your eyes and see the sky
maybe it's better to stay sightless


maybe it's better to stay sightless...


when winter comes, bury me in snow
return me to my element since i always was mutable
even though i enjoy my time in the sun....
i'll remain eternal while you flitter about like a flame
fire never understands that it is static
and it never realizes it is dying until it's too late
i'll remember it all with the clarity of ice
keep the memory alive with the power of the tide
and speak of it in whispers with the voice of the mist
and remind air and earth what it's like...


Winter comes, and brings me my dreams
i'll sleep forever within the shadows of the Sun

but you'll forget long before the daylight fades....



...maybe forever is found when you're blind...

my consort, my love
don't lead, don't follow
just walk with me
walk by my side
you make me feel like a Queen...

let's see what we can accomplish
when dreams become reality

...waiting...wanting...waiting...wanting...

...patience...ever patience...

so many things i want to do so many things i want to say
difference of mind death of time
the deadly dance of cliché upon cliché
if i laughed i'd break the barrier
take a cue from pink floyd
i want to take out your brick from the wall

...waiting...wanting...waiting...wanting
endless silence
i want to dive into your mind
swim in your past and take a cue from trent reznor
i want to feel you from the inside


i want to feel you from the inside....

understanding.

something i can grab a hold of
something i have a little of
something they don't understand

understanding.

questions that have no answers
questions that have hidden answers
so many questions, but all in time...

understanding.

fuck what they think of me
they just don't...
they never will...

understand.

pain.

p a i n .

didn't know what was worse at the time
the physical pain
or the fact that you turned away

now
the physical pain is almost gone
but i can't forget that you turned away

was my pain too hard to bear for you that you couldn't even acknowledge it?
couldn't even look at me
or hold me
or try to make it better

just a back turned
i remember a back turned to me




pain.

p a i n .




i remember...

i hurt.

i dream

i dream too much and fail at bringing my dream into reality
need to reconcile
touch base again
i want to drag my dreams into reality
to be what i want to be


damn it all


i can only be me


frustrationangerresentmenthatreddisappointmentneglectsadness


i can only be me...

i need you more than you will ever know
especially right now

i need you...

How dare you cross the line?
...AGAIN?
How dare you even ignore the line's existance?
...AGAIN?
I know what you are doing.
What, did you think I was blind? Born yesterday, maybe?
No.
See, I'm comfortable in my skin.
I'm confident of my abillites; you do not scare me.

Your blatant lack of respect bothers me more.
Six years were thrown away because of disrespect;
One who was like a brother to me is now dead to me because of such a transgression.
Six years. Six fucking years.
Does that give you an idea of what you're fucking with?
You are nothing in the scheme of things.

I told you to back off once. I was serious.
Trust me, it was in your best interest to listen to me.
I gave you fair warning before;
I had hoped you were intelligent to heed the warning.

I guess you weren't -- Or you ignored it like the line you disrespected and crossed.

You are now my enemy.

Watch your back.

And God decided to throw the gauntlet...
And He sayeth unto me, "I believe I will test you, daughter."
And I sayeth back unto him, "Again? Why again? Have I not proven myself worthy many times over?"
And God sayeth unto me, "Yes, but you must be kept on your toes."

He sent temptation my way and for a nanosecond...
I wondered why He couldn't have sent this earlier in my life when if wouldn't have been a temptation.
Then the nanosecond passed and I laughed, thinking of everything I had endured previous to this;
And of all the wonderful things that has happened to me.
And of all the wonderful people in my life...

There must be a different lesson in this encounter somewhere.

Silly tests.



After it was all over, I sayeth unto him,
"Please don't strike me down for this, but...You sucketh.
Too many tests, God, but I will endure like I always do."

He laughed. I sighed.


Never a dull moment with God.

Six years of friendship flushed down the toilet because you decided to be a shithead

Six years of trust broken because you crossed the line

Six years of respect forgotten as you metaphorically spit in my face

Six years.

Six fucking years.

I hope you're fucking happy.

IF I said:
"Fuck me."
Would you?

AND IF I said:
"Have sex with me."
Would you?

BUT IF I said:
"Make love to me."



...Would you?

Don't worry little bitch...
I'll claw your eyes out when you least expect it.
I wonder if your forked tongue will continue to spit venom
when it is separated from your body?
We shall see.
I'm not sure whether I want to mount your head on my wall
Or stake it out in my front yard on a pike.

You crossed me.
Deal with it bitch.

Keep your eyes open or else you'll lose them.
Keep your guard up.

Continue to think of me as insignificant; please
It will be that much more fun for me
To educate you otherwise.

be wary of me, stranger
tread lightly around me
i am small and easily overlooked, i know...
like a scorpion, you won't know i'm there
until i strike.

you think that i am insignificant, ignorant
you believe that i am blind
...or maybe you think that i do not notice
but you are mistaken.

you are playing with fire and
you do not yet know what you are dealing with
but i know how hot the fire burns
because i am the fire
and i will scar you deeply

be wary of me, stranger
i do not take kindly to your games
and i do not find you amusing
do not cross me
you will not like me when i am angry
because i will make your life a living hell

trust me.

heed the warning.
move along.

find someone else to play with
because i'm not someone you want to anger.

when dreams become reality
and love becomes desire
the heat is more than you can bear
and your love is measured in sweat
when you strain against each other
and try to become one
the most beautiful thing you can hear...


is your name.

i remember

and even though it hurts me
i look at the pictures
and sift through my memories
knowing that i'm not the only one to do so
especially today

i wonder

who your wife would have been
what your children would have looked like
you would have been a great dad, i know
but your life was cut too short
six months ago to the day

i remember...especially today.

i wanna be your dog
cuz maybe then you'll notice me
treat me nice and stay with me
hold me in high regard
i wanna be your dog
so then i'd get loved

i wanna be your dog

i close my eyes
and will away the tears
beacuse i don't want to cry
in front of you
i want to remain strong
draw strength
from the façade of strength
that i show to the world
because on the inside
my stupid pride
hurts me more than you could ever know
and i can't will that away
as easily as i can my tears
for some reason
i feel betrayed
as if i wasn't good enough
damn my pride
damn my pride
damn my pride

forget regrets
until you see with
clarity...to
kill off the negativity
delve into the mysteries
of your soul and
of your
mind...

i would follow you into oblivion
walk beside you as the world falls apart
take your pain when the scars of the past ache
dream with you like no one else can
the time will come when you will understand yourself
to see yourself as i see you
blinding, radiant...
an angel among men
a wolf among dogs
someday you will see what i see
and you will come to understand...

but looking at it from your point of view
by then I will only be a memory to you

my pixellated dream runs rampant over coaxial cables
living its accelerated life, riding the light over high bandwidth fiber optics
it infects other digital nodes with the strength of its emotional overload
my futurisitc vision is inlaid in infrared
silicon languages decipher its message
my digital dream is drawn in ones and zeroes
electrons dance to keep it flowing through the wired
broken down and distributed in packaged bits and bytes
and yet my grey matter continutes to dream
dendrites dance with electrical activity
as messages snap over synapses
flowing through the optical nerve to project onto a corneal screen
...or is the screen LCD?