Act: Infinity

The scene always opens the same, my dear
it's usually around 3 in the morning and i'm opening the door
just as you're putting your phone away with a puzzled look on your face
as if you honestly didn't think that i'd be here
even though we've been talking about it for the past hour
maybe it's raining, maybe it's cold...
or maybe it's a nice warm summer night
i'll leave the door open for you and you'll close it as you walk in
i'll start the coffeepot simply because
while you always deny the first two cups
i know you'll finish the rest
and you'll sit down at the kitchen table
and
just
sit
possibly dazed, very sad...
more than likely angry, confused, tired and bitter
you'll sit in silence while the coffee percolates
echoing your thought processes
i'll take out your favorite mug along with mine
break out the rest of the essentials
i'll pour that first cup, probably the second for myself
while you gather yourself together
and i'll just wait until the story spills out from you
the names constantly change but this...
this is always the same
she's broken your heart again, whoever she is...
this time around
and you'll tell me all about it
and i'll just listen while i prepare the third cup for you
bring it to you while you vent
while you cry
while you contemplate everything you've done wrong
even if it's nothing

i know dear, i know
how you looked so good together
how she made you laugh
how she could bring you to your knees with that one look
how you thought she might have been the one
(just like all the others)
and how she threw you away
or cheated on you
or decided that whatever you had wasn't worth her while
because you're back in my kitchen
trying to drown your tears in coffee
but see, i'll make you laugh
by saying things like:
"well, at least she wasn't crazy like that redhead
or clingy like the blonde"
or maybe i'll remind you about the others in your history
who were all painful when they happened,
but now are funny memories
like that silly punk girl who drove you wild in both good and bad ways
or the photographer who still has all of those pictures
or the wannabe-psychologist who was crazier than anyone you've ever been with...

but we both know why you're here.

there's about a half a cup left in the pot and it's still pretty dark
and i was half-asleep anyway when you called...
so while you adamantly claim the couch
i'll smile as i rinse out the pot, our mugs;
throw away the grinds and reset it all for tomorrow
i know us, this is the usual routine
your mouth speaks all those unnecessary words
because you think that's what needs to be said
but after all these years, you should know better
i'm going back to bed and you'll follow
turning out all the lights in your wake
you'll slide in underneath the covers
and we'll settle in for the night
i'll hold you and comfort you
and you'll say stupid things like,
"you're such a good friend, thank you for caring"
and i'll just laugh and say
"oh whatever, how long have we known each other?"
and you'll cuddle with me because i'm comfortable
and i'll hold you close, dear
stroke your hair
kiss away all those tears that threaten to fall again
and hold my vigil until your breathing eases
and the grey of dawn lightens the room.

and by the time i awaken
you will be gone, half a pot of coffee gone cold
your favorite mug rinsed out and lying sideways in the sink...
and i will try to remember the litany of things she had said and done
whoever she is, this time around
all the good
all the bad
because, next time, when you come home
she will just be another good memory
in the face of more recent heartbreak
and i'll use her as an example
just like all the others

and you and i...

well.

it doesn't matter.
there is no us, really.

you're blind to me and what i'm capable of
or maybe you never stopped to consider
that maybe i hate having to remember all of this
maybe i hate seeing you broken
to be the one that picks up all your pieces
but i guess
being the friend you run to,
being this safe haven
is better than nothing.

back on neutral ground again
we make our preparations and take our positions
setting up the gameboard, drawing all those lines
as darkness blurs the boundaries separating time
the bell tolls each hour
but all i hear are all your soft sighs
and your other distinctive sounds
as we begin our favoured ritual...

you traverse all your usual places
and scour my skin so lightly
close my eyes and try to deny
imagining just what those nails could really do
explore my territory while i scout yours
yet there are places even i won't go uninvited
i would hate to leave you unfulfilled
especially since you haven't officially raised the stakes
go ahead, put on that poker face
i'll call your bluff
i'll skirt the edges, test your defenses
lightly mark you with small scratches
that will stay just long enough to fade...
we reprise our usual roles
you've become more fluent in my language, dear
surprising; i am not the one you want nor need

but i'm here
and i'm now
and i'll do

because i'm only good for the moment
just like i always am, to you
dangerous; i know my importance
i'm your only willing opponent here
i know the rules of your game by heart
your reprieve will expire when the sun reawakens
and for all that you've longed to play
and for all those
pretty words
knowing stares
and inviting smiles
(nothing but crossed messages over the wires)
you'll never raise those stakes for me
you don't believe that i have what it takes

the bell tolls another hour
i draw my reprisal on every inch i can reach
measure my success in every twitch, every shudder
and every indrawn breath
use a ghost of my skill as ammunition
map my retaliation with varying degrees of pressure
slight rebellion to deviate away from the course we always undertake
because your game is the sweetest pain
and this time i'll trespass too close to your borders
to give you something to wonder about
let you know that you've dismissed me too quickly
(you haven't figured me all out)

but we are constricted by the boundaries of time
and the melting of darkness to light
that hated bell tolls the hour
but all i pay attention to is your erratic breathing
the feel of your skin underneath my nails...
close my eyes and willfully deny
i know exactly what my nails are capable of
so i'll just let you win like i always do
i'll take part in my share of the victory
revel in the spoils of your attentive ministrations
secure in the knowledge that for tonight
i'm your only willing opponent here
and by tomorrow you'll have moved on again
we've reprised our usual roles
(you always tend to underestimate me)
and even though i am not the one you want nor need

i'm here
i'm now
and i'll do...


i'll do.

in the beginning it was all about me
i was the star for a little while there
but you were young and dumb
and full of cum
that i didn't necessarily want to deal with
and i have to laugh
just thinking about
the absurdity of that genesis
and i'm sorry it makes you sad

now you own a third of my heart
which is less than what you had at 16
but so much more than you deserved a year later
and while i love you and need you
two out of three ain't bad
since we have come so far
and created this
strange litle oasis
of stasis
that changes a little bit every day
it's both less and more
what what we ever could have dreamed of
or hoped for

so this is your opus
my little creation for you
began while driving
mulled over a few cups of coffee
added on to while in the shower
written down on an envelope
so i wouldn't forget
until finally scrawled in pixels
with words that will never
manage to ever fully capture
the true insanity of us
because you already knew
just how my brain works
without telepathy

and remember
it was all about me in the beginning
but it turned into you at the end
i thought i wanted something transitory
...after ten years in the making
i wound up with a friend
but i guess i can't let go
of all the would-have-beens
curiosity got the best of me

(you win)

mon cher, promenade avec moi
errons et découvrir que le monde a à nous offrir
je ne vous demande pas d'être mon dirigeant
je ne vous demande pas de me suivre
tout je demande au deux choses
l'un -- que vous rappelez la beauté de la mer du soir et la danse du feu
et deux -- que vous promenade avec moi pour un temps et voyons où nos pieds nous prennent


dearest, walk with me a while
let us wander and discover
what the world has to offer
i don't ask you to lead
i don't ask you to follow
just stay by my side
let's see where our feet take us

you see, my dear
i followed the itinerary of desire
and found myself sorely lacking
because i've been reminded by so many
that beauty is flesh deep
and i carry far too much of it

to ever be more than just a...

temporary condition
fleeting distraction
honorable mention

until someone better comes along

but i still have hope
albeit bittersweet
and more than likely misplaced

that one day i will be...

a cherished treasure
the grand prize
the featured destination

instead of just a rest stop
or the safe haven

taken for granted.

three red slivers mark my arm
three by three hours i held you
i am i
and i can only be...i
give you my brand of comfort
even as you held me close
easily slip into the in-between
not quite awake, not quite slumber
we guard each other by turns

i wish i could wash away your pain
because loneliness is not the same as being alone
all i can do is give you my oath
i promise to hold you as long as there is need
i promise to keep those shadows at bay
i promise to remind you what it's like to be loved
i promise to be everything and nothing

my language is yours for a night
we have so much to say in the silence
i know my worth, but will you discover it?
or am i just the vessel that you pour your need into?
the ravens remind me in the twilight hours
that your memory of me will fade when daylight comes
i have no place in your daily grind
i am nothing and no one in your heart
i know better.
still, i savor this night because
i am i
and i remain...i
and if i have brought you comfort for at least one night
then i count this all as time well spent

even though i wish i could wash away your pain
because loneliness is not the same as being alone
all i can do is give you my oath
i promise to hold you as long as there is need
i promise to keep those shadows at bay
i promise to remind you what it's like to be loved
i promise to be everything and nothing

three red slivers mark my arm
three by three hours i held you...

i could growl all my pretty words
and maybe you would understand
since that is the language you know
you cultivate

i could purr so softly
and tickle your ear with such harsh phrases
yet i know you would pay me no mind
fighting the tide that surges within you
listening to instinct

be wary, my tongue can be forked now
i learned that trick from the masters of the trade
since i've listened to their verbal acrobatics
silvered words pour out of my throat
but i hold on to the truth even though it is deceiving

i can weave words when i want to
but yours always take so much precedence
and my filligree workmanship
goes to waste

yet i will always be tactile and visceral
visual and aware
i'll caress and kiss, growl and purr

until you remember

what all those useless words mean.