i idly wonder...
where you'll be when i get home
you're always off with the sunrise
and while i drive into the wayward afternoon sun

i'll
never
catch
up

you hold me close and give me importance
but then, you always turn away and flee
while i fear losing my freedom
and losing the others that i love
even though i love you
and maybe that scares you
enough to run home to your ghost in the shell
surround yourself with pictures
and drown yourself in memories
i love you, my dearest one
more than these limited words
can ever explain

but i'm tired
of holding your hand
while you think of someone else
tired
of building you up
just so you can break yourself down again
so tired
of teaching you how to swim
when all you want to do is drown

someday, love
when you finally decide on me
you'll come looking and all you'll find are...

my well-worn tracks
maybe these words
some pictures of us
ghosts of memories

because you took too long in deciding
that you could swim on your own
that you were better off whole
that my hand fit yours so well

i'm strong enough for the both of us
but that doesn't mean i want to carry dead weight

by the time you see things from my point of view...
i will only be a memory to you.

i'm tired, dear
i hold all my cards close

but i think i'm done with the game

i may just have to get up

and walk away from the table

it's been so long since i've had a good round

and i'm wondering just how stacked

the deck is against me

however, if you but ask...

i'll show you my hand

i won't cheat you
you'll know precisely where you stand
and what you're dealing with
before you sit down at my table
i won't let you bet away your future

but i'm tired, dear
these games are easily-played

with youth and luck on your side
when you've just recently learned the ropes

and you've got something to prove
but see, i'm getting older now

the table's losing its luster
i'm slowly starting to not care about the next throw
i'll sit on the sidelines and watch them all go
and remember what it was like when i began
but if you actually want to play
i'll make it worth your while
i've got a lifetime of observations
and an unbound imagination
spiced with creativity
and seasoned with experience
to plan and strategize with
i'll make your game worthwhile

Act: Infinity

The scene always opens the same, my dear
it's usually around 3 in the morning and i'm opening the door
just as you're putting your phone away with a puzzled look on your face
as if you honestly didn't think that i'd be here
even though we've been talking about it for the past hour
maybe it's raining, maybe it's cold...
or maybe it's a nice warm summer night
i'll leave the door open for you and you'll close it as you walk in
i'll start the coffeepot simply because
while you always deny the first two cups
i know you'll finish the rest
and you'll sit down at the kitchen table
and
just
sit
possibly dazed, very sad...
more than likely angry, confused, tired and bitter
you'll sit in silence while the coffee percolates
echoing your thought processes
i'll take out your favorite mug along with mine
break out the rest of the essentials
i'll pour that first cup, probably the second for myself
while you gather yourself together
and i'll just wait until the story spills out from you
the names constantly change but this...
this is always the same
she's broken your heart again, whoever she is...
this time around
and you'll tell me all about it
and i'll just listen while i prepare the third cup for you
bring it to you while you vent
while you cry
while you contemplate everything you've done wrong
even if it's nothing

i know dear, i know
how you looked so good together
how she made you laugh
how she could bring you to your knees with that one look
how you thought she might have been the one
(just like all the others)
and how she threw you away
or cheated on you
or decided that whatever you had wasn't worth her while
because you're back in my kitchen
trying to drown your tears in coffee
but see, i'll make you laugh
by saying things like:
"well, at least she wasn't crazy like that redhead
or clingy like the blonde"
or maybe i'll remind you about the others in your history
who were all painful when they happened,
but now are funny memories
like that silly punk girl who drove you wild in both good and bad ways
or the photographer who still has all of those pictures
or the wannabe-psychologist who was crazier than anyone you've ever been with...

but we both know why you're here.

there's about a half a cup left in the pot and it's still pretty dark
and i was half-asleep anyway when you called...
so while you adamantly claim the couch
i'll smile as i rinse out the pot, our mugs;
throw away the grinds and reset it all for tomorrow
i know us, this is the usual routine
your mouth speaks all those unnecessary words
because you think that's what needs to be said
but after all these years, you should know better
i'm going back to bed and you'll follow
turning out all the lights in your wake
you'll slide in underneath the covers
and we'll settle in for the night
i'll hold you and comfort you
and you'll say stupid things like,
"you're such a good friend, thank you for caring"
and i'll just laugh and say
"oh whatever, how long have we known each other?"
and you'll cuddle with me because i'm comfortable
and i'll hold you close, dear
stroke your hair
kiss away all those tears that threaten to fall again
and hold my vigil until your breathing eases
and the grey of dawn lightens the room.

and by the time i awaken
you will be gone, half a pot of coffee gone cold
your favorite mug rinsed out and lying sideways in the sink...
and i will try to remember the litany of things she had said and done
whoever she is, this time around
all the good
all the bad
because, next time, when you come home
she will just be another good memory
in the face of more recent heartbreak
and i'll use her as an example
just like all the others

and you and i...

well.

it doesn't matter.
there is no us, really.

you're blind to me and what i'm capable of
or maybe you never stopped to consider
that maybe i hate having to remember all of this
maybe i hate seeing you broken
to be the one that picks up all your pieces
but i guess
being the friend you run to,
being this safe haven
is better than nothing.

back on neutral ground again
we make our preparations and take our positions
setting up the gameboard, drawing all those lines
as darkness blurs the boundaries separating time
the bell tolls each hour
but all i hear are all your soft sighs
and your other distinctive sounds
as we begin our favoured ritual...

you traverse all your usual places
and scour my skin so lightly
close my eyes and try to deny
imagining just what those nails could really do
explore my territory while i scout yours
yet there are places even i won't go uninvited
i would hate to leave you unfulfilled
especially since you haven't officially raised the stakes
go ahead, put on that poker face
i'll call your bluff
i'll skirt the edges, test your defenses
lightly mark you with small scratches
that will stay just long enough to fade...
we reprise our usual roles
you've become more fluent in my language, dear
surprising; i am not the one you want nor need

but i'm here
and i'm now
and i'll do

because i'm only good for the moment
just like i always am, to you
dangerous; i know my importance
i'm your only willing opponent here
i know the rules of your game by heart
your reprieve will expire when the sun reawakens
and for all that you've longed to play
and for all those
pretty words
knowing stares
and inviting smiles
(nothing but crossed messages over the wires)
you'll never raise those stakes for me
you don't believe that i have what it takes

the bell tolls another hour
i draw my reprisal on every inch i can reach
measure my success in every twitch, every shudder
and every indrawn breath
use a ghost of my skill as ammunition
map my retaliation with varying degrees of pressure
slight rebellion to deviate away from the course we always undertake
because your game is the sweetest pain
and this time i'll trespass too close to your borders
to give you something to wonder about
let you know that you've dismissed me too quickly
(you haven't figured me all out)

but we are constricted by the boundaries of time
and the melting of darkness to light
that hated bell tolls the hour
but all i pay attention to is your erratic breathing
the feel of your skin underneath my nails...
close my eyes and willfully deny
i know exactly what my nails are capable of
so i'll just let you win like i always do
i'll take part in my share of the victory
revel in the spoils of your attentive ministrations
secure in the knowledge that for tonight
i'm your only willing opponent here
and by tomorrow you'll have moved on again
we've reprised our usual roles
(you always tend to underestimate me)
and even though i am not the one you want nor need

i'm here
i'm now
and i'll do...


i'll do.