I chased the darkness eastbound
found solace in the miles
the past, present and future
thought and memory
commingling into one
and I danced and sang in the darkness
while the wind chilled my skin
and carried away my song
at the edges of twilight
on the crossroads of today
where the sea kissed the sky
and I laughed as all my broken pieces
were gathered together and reforged
stronger
into one cohesive whole
I never realized just how broken I was
until the Longest Night claimed me
when I stood at the edge of the water
dug my heels into the rocky shore
grounded myself as best I could
burned some lavender and sage
cleansed myself of all the impurities
shared a moment of silence with my consort
and thanked the Goddess and the God
as I threw my arms wide
to embrace the sky, the wind, the stars
and earned my name once more...

Reborn.

i see you as you were
your younger self asserts itself
in the pauses and nuances
i remember your potential
and i reconcile it with what you have become
and my pride and joy comes from knowing
all that you have accomplished
from then til now
all great things
but even so
in a few small ways
i recognize
that my influence has
marked you
primed you
formed you
claimed you
so long ago
i love who you have become
with such fierce pride
since a little bit of me
gave rise to life within you
and i hope that for your sake
someone worthy will find you soon
who will see all that you have to offer
and walk with you on your path
to bolster you when you struggle
to nurture you when you need it
to help you recognize your own greatness
and take what you have become to new heights
because my pride and joy comes from seeing
just how far you have come
even as i know
how hard your road has been
you have stayed so strong and persevered
even in the face of such pain
you deserve greatness
walking by your side
i love who you have become
with such fierce pride

...and you were destined
to be nothing more
than just words on a screen
dying out even as the phospors
tried to etch themselves into black.

it sounds like the sky is breaking each time thunder roars
but all i want to do is stand in the rain and sing to the storm
to witness the dance of lightning as it lances through the sky
a memory in the making and a reflection in my eye

there is a simple joy in laughter
that is shared for pleasure' sake
on the edges of the evening
in the tree-lined shore
we dance the circle
and make it ours
recreate it all
in love and trust
as the stars mark time
and skin glows pale
in light divine
seared by reds, and sealed with blues
by tooth and nail, love flows

i remember
the simple joys of laughter
shared for pleasure's sake
with love and trust

and i wonder
if i dreamed you into being
or were you always real

i feel...
you

you fit me perfectly

i hear Her voice in the twilight of the evening...
i hear His voice in the twilight of false dawn;
but i hear Your voice all the time.

louder under no moon
when the twinkling of the stars
emphasizes the blackness of the void
loudest while in meditation of
the infinite possibilities within interstitial space

for i am Yours
at the beginning
Firstborn of the Void
Organized Chaos

at the end
Lastborn by They
given thought by the Father
given form by the Mother

but my joy comes from the Void
to be shared with those deemed worthy

(my life comes from the Void)

for then
for now
for ever

he said, come away with me
and i ran in the opposite direction
no discretion
wind in my face, slowing me down
until i stopped and looked around
questioned my knee-jerk response


i'll never stop running
until someone catches up to me
or until i run into someone

stumble and fall

he said, come away with me
and i stopped to listen
but he offered a noose and i value my neck
hasten, hasten
so i did what i was good at

i ran.

it's been awhile since i've given you any actual thought
besides a reference here or there
a passing mention, in the retelling
you're another memory, now
along with all the others
just a page in the book
that i pick up and read sporadically
so i don't forget
a scar that's healed cleanly
and faded away, for the most part
that i idly scratch every so often
remembering the good and the bad
and yet, it's your time of the year
and i remembered, so i wished you well
because i actually do

i idly wonder...
where you'll be when i get home
you're always off with the sunrise
and while i drive into the wayward afternoon sun

i'll
never
catch
up

you hold me close and give me importance
but then, you always turn away and flee
while i fear losing my freedom
and losing the others that i love
even though i love you
and maybe that scares you
enough to run home to your ghost in the shell
surround yourself with pictures
and drown yourself in memories
i love you, my dearest one
more than these limited words
can ever explain

but i'm tired
of holding your hand
while you think of someone else
tired
of building you up
just so you can break yourself down again
so tired
of teaching you how to swim
when all you want to do is drown

someday, love
when you finally decide on me
you'll come looking and all you'll find are...

my well-worn tracks
maybe these words
some pictures of us
ghosts of memories

because you took too long in deciding
that you could swim on your own
that you were better off whole
that my hand fit yours so well

i'm strong enough for the both of us
but that doesn't mean i want to carry dead weight

by the time you see things from my point of view...
i will only be a memory to you.

i'm tired, dear
i hold all my cards close

but i think i'm done with the game

i may just have to get up

and walk away from the table

it's been so long since i've had a good round

and i'm wondering just how stacked

the deck is against me

however, if you but ask...

i'll show you my hand

i won't cheat you
you'll know precisely where you stand
and what you're dealing with
before you sit down at my table
i won't let you bet away your future

but i'm tired, dear
these games are easily-played

with youth and luck on your side
when you've just recently learned the ropes

and you've got something to prove
but see, i'm getting older now

the table's losing its luster
i'm slowly starting to not care about the next throw
i'll sit on the sidelines and watch them all go
and remember what it was like when i began
but if you actually want to play
i'll make it worth your while
i've got a lifetime of observations
and an unbound imagination
spiced with creativity
and seasoned with experience
to plan and strategize with
i'll make your game worthwhile

Act: Infinity

The scene always opens the same, my dear
it's usually around 3 in the morning and i'm opening the door
just as you're putting your phone away with a puzzled look on your face
as if you honestly didn't think that i'd be here
even though we've been talking about it for the past hour
maybe it's raining, maybe it's cold...
or maybe it's a nice warm summer night
i'll leave the door open for you and you'll close it as you walk in
i'll start the coffeepot simply because
while you always deny the first two cups
i know you'll finish the rest
and you'll sit down at the kitchen table
and
just
sit
possibly dazed, very sad...
more than likely angry, confused, tired and bitter
you'll sit in silence while the coffee percolates
echoing your thought processes
i'll take out your favorite mug along with mine
break out the rest of the essentials
i'll pour that first cup, probably the second for myself
while you gather yourself together
and i'll just wait until the story spills out from you
the names constantly change but this...
this is always the same
she's broken your heart again, whoever she is...
this time around
and you'll tell me all about it
and i'll just listen while i prepare the third cup for you
bring it to you while you vent
while you cry
while you contemplate everything you've done wrong
even if it's nothing

i know dear, i know
how you looked so good together
how she made you laugh
how she could bring you to your knees with that one look
how you thought she might have been the one
(just like all the others)
and how she threw you away
or cheated on you
or decided that whatever you had wasn't worth her while
because you're back in my kitchen
trying to drown your tears in coffee
but see, i'll make you laugh
by saying things like:
"well, at least she wasn't crazy like that redhead
or clingy like the blonde"
or maybe i'll remind you about the others in your history
who were all painful when they happened,
but now are funny memories
like that silly punk girl who drove you wild in both good and bad ways
or the photographer who still has all of those pictures
or the wannabe-psychologist who was crazier than anyone you've ever been with...

but we both know why you're here.

there's about a half a cup left in the pot and it's still pretty dark
and i was half-asleep anyway when you called...
so while you adamantly claim the couch
i'll smile as i rinse out the pot, our mugs;
throw away the grinds and reset it all for tomorrow
i know us, this is the usual routine
your mouth speaks all those unnecessary words
because you think that's what needs to be said
but after all these years, you should know better
i'm going back to bed and you'll follow
turning out all the lights in your wake
you'll slide in underneath the covers
and we'll settle in for the night
i'll hold you and comfort you
and you'll say stupid things like,
"you're such a good friend, thank you for caring"
and i'll just laugh and say
"oh whatever, how long have we known each other?"
and you'll cuddle with me because i'm comfortable
and i'll hold you close, dear
stroke your hair
kiss away all those tears that threaten to fall again
and hold my vigil until your breathing eases
and the grey of dawn lightens the room.

and by the time i awaken
you will be gone, half a pot of coffee gone cold
your favorite mug rinsed out and lying sideways in the sink...
and i will try to remember the litany of things she had said and done
whoever she is, this time around
all the good
all the bad
because, next time, when you come home
she will just be another good memory
in the face of more recent heartbreak
and i'll use her as an example
just like all the others

and you and i...

well.

it doesn't matter.
there is no us, really.

you're blind to me and what i'm capable of
or maybe you never stopped to consider
that maybe i hate having to remember all of this
maybe i hate seeing you broken
to be the one that picks up all your pieces
but i guess
being the friend you run to,
being this safe haven
is better than nothing.

back on neutral ground again
we make our preparations and take our positions
setting up the gameboard, drawing all those lines
as darkness blurs the boundaries separating time
the bell tolls each hour
but all i hear are all your soft sighs
and your other distinctive sounds
as we begin our favoured ritual...

you traverse all your usual places
and scour my skin so lightly
close my eyes and try to deny
imagining just what those nails could really do
explore my territory while i scout yours
yet there are places even i won't go uninvited
i would hate to leave you unfulfilled
especially since you haven't officially raised the stakes
go ahead, put on that poker face
i'll call your bluff
i'll skirt the edges, test your defenses
lightly mark you with small scratches
that will stay just long enough to fade...
we reprise our usual roles
you've become more fluent in my language, dear
surprising; i am not the one you want nor need

but i'm here
and i'm now
and i'll do

because i'm only good for the moment
just like i always am, to you
dangerous; i know my importance
i'm your only willing opponent here
i know the rules of your game by heart
your reprieve will expire when the sun reawakens
and for all that you've longed to play
and for all those
pretty words
knowing stares
and inviting smiles
(nothing but crossed messages over the wires)
you'll never raise those stakes for me
you don't believe that i have what it takes

the bell tolls another hour
i draw my reprisal on every inch i can reach
measure my success in every twitch, every shudder
and every indrawn breath
use a ghost of my skill as ammunition
map my retaliation with varying degrees of pressure
slight rebellion to deviate away from the course we always undertake
because your game is the sweetest pain
and this time i'll trespass too close to your borders
to give you something to wonder about
let you know that you've dismissed me too quickly
(you haven't figured me all out)

but we are constricted by the boundaries of time
and the melting of darkness to light
that hated bell tolls the hour
but all i pay attention to is your erratic breathing
the feel of your skin underneath my nails...
close my eyes and willfully deny
i know exactly what my nails are capable of
so i'll just let you win like i always do
i'll take part in my share of the victory
revel in the spoils of your attentive ministrations
secure in the knowledge that for tonight
i'm your only willing opponent here
and by tomorrow you'll have moved on again
we've reprised our usual roles
(you always tend to underestimate me)
and even though i am not the one you want nor need

i'm here
i'm now
and i'll do...


i'll do.

in the beginning it was all about me
i was the star for a little while there
but you were young and dumb
and full of cum
that i didn't necessarily want to deal with
and i have to laugh
just thinking about
the absurdity of that genesis
and i'm sorry it makes you sad

now you own a third of my heart
which is less than what you had at 16
but so much more than you deserved a year later
and while i love you and need you
two out of three ain't bad
since we have come so far
and created this
strange litle oasis
of stasis
that changes a little bit every day
it's both less and more
what what we ever could have dreamed of
or hoped for

so this is your opus
my little creation for you
began while driving
mulled over a few cups of coffee
added on to while in the shower
written down on an envelope
so i wouldn't forget
until finally scrawled in pixels
with words that will never
manage to ever fully capture
the true insanity of us
because you already knew
just how my brain works
without telepathy

and remember
it was all about me in the beginning
but it turned into you at the end
i thought i wanted something transitory
...after ten years in the making
i wound up with a friend
but i guess i can't let go
of all the would-have-beens
curiosity got the best of me

(you win)

mon cher, promenade avec moi
errons et découvrir que le monde a à nous offrir
je ne vous demande pas d'être mon dirigeant
je ne vous demande pas de me suivre
tout je demande au deux choses
l'un -- que vous rappelez la beauté de la mer du soir et la danse du feu
et deux -- que vous promenade avec moi pour un temps et voyons où nos pieds nous prennent


dearest, walk with me a while
let us wander and discover
what the world has to offer
i don't ask you to lead
i don't ask you to follow
just stay by my side
let's see where our feet take us

you see, my dear
i followed the itinerary of desire
and found myself sorely lacking
because i've been reminded by so many
that beauty is flesh deep
and i carry far too much of it

to ever be more than just a...

temporary condition
fleeting distraction
honorable mention

until someone better comes along

but i still have hope
albeit bittersweet
and more than likely misplaced

that one day i will be...

a cherished treasure
the grand prize
the featured destination

instead of just a rest stop
or the safe haven

taken for granted.

three red slivers mark my arm
three by three hours i held you
i am i
and i can only be...i
give you my brand of comfort
even as you held me close
easily slip into the in-between
not quite awake, not quite slumber
we guard each other by turns

i wish i could wash away your pain
because loneliness is not the same as being alone
all i can do is give you my oath
i promise to hold you as long as there is need
i promise to keep those shadows at bay
i promise to remind you what it's like to be loved
i promise to be everything and nothing

my language is yours for a night
we have so much to say in the silence
i know my worth, but will you discover it?
or am i just the vessel that you pour your need into?
the ravens remind me in the twilight hours
that your memory of me will fade when daylight comes
i have no place in your daily grind
i am nothing and no one in your heart
i know better.
still, i savor this night because
i am i
and i remain...i
and if i have brought you comfort for at least one night
then i count this all as time well spent

even though i wish i could wash away your pain
because loneliness is not the same as being alone
all i can do is give you my oath
i promise to hold you as long as there is need
i promise to keep those shadows at bay
i promise to remind you what it's like to be loved
i promise to be everything and nothing

three red slivers mark my arm
three by three hours i held you...

i could growl all my pretty words
and maybe you would understand
since that is the language you know
you cultivate

i could purr so softly
and tickle your ear with such harsh phrases
yet i know you would pay me no mind
fighting the tide that surges within you
listening to instinct

be wary, my tongue can be forked now
i learned that trick from the masters of the trade
since i've listened to their verbal acrobatics
silvered words pour out of my throat
but i hold on to the truth even though it is deceiving

i can weave words when i want to
but yours always take so much precedence
and my filligree workmanship
goes to waste

yet i will always be tactile and visceral
visual and aware
i'll caress and kiss, growl and purr

until you remember

what all those useless words mean.

i love the absolutes that mirror abstracts
and the abstracts that find form only to dissolve
dream with me, walk with me
i dare you to go barefoot in the rain
and scream at the storm
you're damned to be...so sad to see....so....normal...

i stand outside and let the rain lash me
the wind howls with a rage i cannot unleash
thunder grumbles
damn that force, damn its rage
i'm tired of being lonely, alone
it's just me and the Storm
the eye of the Mother watching down
i scream, i howl, i curse and i growl
but the wind steals my voice
keeps it and drowns it deep within itself
and the tears i cry
are as nothing
i don't feel the cold, the rain, the storm
thunder grumbles...quietly, quietly
about as quiet as the blood pounding in my ears
i am still insignificant
and yet...
and yet...


i embrace the storm.
one day the storm will embrace me...


give me its flesh and blood
one who understands the beauty of the lash
the purple of lightning
the soft grumbles of thunder

and my rain won't fall

the passion in my blood matches the intensity of your gaze
but even as your focus shifts
i know that gaze is not meant for me
i'm not the one you're seeing...

in your mind she dances away
even as you cry your pain

and i can't help but measure my love in broken pieces and scars
i know intimately the pain you feel
of being so close and yet the distance between
is a chasm that you cannot cross
no matter how fast or how far you fly

i wish i could help you
help her
make her realize what she is denying
only you truly understand the rhythm of her soul
even as it feeds the fire in yours
but my words would lose their meaning
i have no power there

and i don't fear being six feet under
because i know that the fire will bring me home
my blood calls to it every day
and i wonder what they would say
if i told them what i already know

i'm comfortable in my bones
yet not in the flesh that covers them
but i know it's only transitory

and i know i have no outward beauty
and i'm starting to doubt if i hold any inside as well
because while i've heard those words before
along with the trivialities of...
i love you.
i need you.
i want you.
the tongues that shaped them were forked
and i wonder if they were given to me only as fodder to mull over
to smile over, to swallow
as i put my hard-won skills to use...

these thoughts, these memories
i hold up my bloodstained hands
in quiet supplication to the temple of death
and love
and belonging
but They do no hear my cry
because i belong to the Void

passion, blood, fire, rage
nothing but this maelstrom of emotions
overload
unknown, unseen, but those with sight never try to see anyway
squander that ability and let it lie dormant

but i've digressed and diverted course
because this was all about you in the beginning...
you and she and i...

...wish i knew what to say to you
but my words always fail me when i try to speak them
i only know how to hold and comfort
my vocabulary is best expressed in
touch

i know i don't belong
and you don't see me anyway

but i know the passion in my blood matches the intensity of your gaze
even if it was never meant for me